love or fear?
Am I working from a place of love or a place of fear?
I used to work ALL the time. I was equally proud and ashamed of this. Isn’t that strange? How could I possibly live a fulfilling, healthy abundant life when I had those demons living with me every day?
I worked a lot partly because I really do LOVE my work AND….I worked a lot because I was hustling to prove my worthiness, in essence to prove I was worthy of love. (BTW, I share a lot about this in my book Tender Brave Spirit, check it out!).
This same dynamic was at play when I first began teaching myself how to paint. I absolutely loved painting, and yet I had this push/pull love/hate kind of relationship with it.
I rarely allowed myself TIME to paint, my work with glass art AND everything else in my life ALWAYS came before painting, this thing I was literally YEARNING and longing for…… I would squeeze in a few minutes of painting when I was finished everything else and super tired at the end of the day.
I used to think I needed unending stretches of time to really get into and improve my skills. But even when I finally allowed myself more time, it turns out that wasn’t the answer to feeling fulfilled either. It helped, giving myself PERMISSION was critical, but I was still floundering with too many frustrations in the process. Do you get this? Have you been there?
I was spending all my “spare” time painting, I was trying so hard… and still feeling frustrated.
Yes yes, there were some super great moments and deeply satisfying paintings and experiences all along the way.
That’s what kept me going, there was fulfillment. My desire and my strong will and vision kept me returning over and over again despite the ongoing unease in my system at times.
AND….it was also exhausting to me.
I was still striving and pushing, believing if only I had more time, if only I had more skills, if only I was in more galleries then it would all magically FEEL better and be more rewarding, the process and the outcome both.
Ugh ugh ugh….sounds pretty yucky doesn’t it? And so effin’ exhausting…..whew….I’m so grateful I made it through that time to see and live a much brighter, lighter and far more satisfying way to create, and way to live.
I now know so much more about myself and the creative process. I know the ways to help myself when I’m stuck, when I think it’s all shit and I’ll never make “good” painting. I know how to start big and stay big through the whole process! I feel a steadier happiness when I’m painting now than I ever have. .
I can hardly believe I lived that old tired way for so long. Does this resonate? Do tell….I’d love hear.
I’d love to share what I’ve learned over 2 decades of working and playing as a full time, self supporting artist so that you too can feel more alive, excited and dare I say even exhilarated about your own paintings and the whole process of creating them!
Sign up for my free live “Paint Your Wild Spirit” painting demo HERE
OR
Buy my book Tender Brave Spirit HERE
You’ll be happy you did!
xo
